Have you ever been so beat down by your own thoughts that it is hard to get up again? Do you find that you speak to yourself much differently than you would ever speak to someone else?  Are you your own worst enemy? 

It is often all too easy to fall into these negative internal verbal patterns.  They are encouraged by the negative messages we have heard throughout our own personal history.  They are emphasized by our own fear of failure and insecurities.  The internal Critic in our head has been given free reign, and it runs wild with partial truths and scathing critiques.  This dynamic leads to internal wars – there are parts of us that want to succeed, that see the good in ourselves, and that are angry at being knocked down so frequently. 

I am going to suggest, however, that the Critic is not all bad.  The Critic actually has a very important and protective function.  No, really. Think about it – the Critic is the part of you that sees the thoughts and actions that have caused you problems in the past.  The Critic is the part of you that brings these thoughts and actions to the surface where you can look and learn.  This is a protective function – without the Critic you could not learn from your mistakes. 

The problem comes when the Critic’s voice is out of harmony with all the aspects/parts of self.  This lack of harmony is often caused by our inattentiveness.  We get so overwhelmed by the strong messages and the pain of remembered failures that we cannot really listen.  And so the Critic’s voice gets louder and stronger and more extreme. That is what people do when they are not heard, isn’t it?  When people are not heard they get louder (yelling) and stronger (anger) and more extreme (rage). 

What would happen if we had the courage to listen?  I know you hear the Critic often, I am not talking about listening to the horrible words that you would never use toward someone else.  I am talking about listening to the truths and the fears that are underneath.  Assume for a moment that the Critic actually wants good for you.  If the Critic wants good for you then there is a reason that it is bringing specific messages up over and over.  The Critic is warning of danger, saying that there is a need for change.  It is the Critic’s job to identify where the change needs to occur but not to lay out the plan for change. 

Laying out the plan for change is the job of another part of self – the most Adult aspect of self.  The Adult voice is one of rational thought, good judgement, and compassion.  We see the Adult part of us surface when a friend comes to us with their troubles and we listen and provide really good options to help them out of their situation.  How many times have you said something like – “I give really good advice, I just wish I would take it.”? The reason that it is so difficult for us to take that great advice is because the Adult voice is drowned out by the Critic and other voices/parts in our head. 

Think of your mind as an orchestra. There are many instruments (aspects/parts of self) all playing music.  The mind at war with itself is the same as the orchestra where all the instruments are playing music of their own choosing and trying to be heard above all other instruments.  This orchestra needs a conductor – someone who can bring order out of the cacophony of individual sounds.  The conductor chooses the piece of music and regulates all of the instruments so that each is heard at the right time and the sound becomes a beautiful symphony.  That conductor is the Adult part, some theories call it the Core Self – it is the most basic and most real you.

In order to do the work of conducting the orchestra the Adult part must listen to the voices that surface with an attitude of curiosity and compassion.  The curiosity to wonder, “What is the important information being conveyed that I need to be successful and at peace?” The compassion to understand why the pain of the past needs to be validated and not shoved down and ignored.  As we begin to make these shifts in our internal conversations toward hearing the parts of us who need to speak and approaching that attentive listening in a curious and compassionate manner, we will find that the loud thoughts quiet and the words become more kind.  As the inner music takes shape, we are able to focus on learning from our past and actively putting into practice those lessons in the creation of a present and future of greater and greater peace.

Tiffany Guthrie, LPC