Do you want to change the dynamic of your relationship?  Do you wish it was easier to co-exist with your partner instead of the frequent clashes that create so much pain, insecurity and doubt? Do you find that the way you interact with each other seems to perpetuate a cycle of hurt? 

I imagine that if you said yes to all of the questions above, the next thought is:  “How do I get my partner to stop doing _____? After all, I don’t want to continue this pattern, but they sure seem to be doing everything that they can to continue it.”  Just as our own internal Critic is quick to come to the forefront in our heads, we are also quick to see the faults, miss-steps and problem behaviors in others.  It is easy to blame them for the current struggles.  However, if we are looking to change our partner, we will continue to be stuck – you cannot change them. 

In order to get the relationship dynamic unstuck, you must change your part in the interaction.  When we change even one small part of a system of interactions, we can affect change throughout the whole.  It is a cascade effect that ripples out.  It is like replacing a part on a machine that is no longer working, changing that one part allows all the mechanisms to work as designed again.  So, if we respond differently in a typical interaction then we throw a wrench, so to speak, into the typical pattern and force a new interaction type. 

One way that we can respond differently is to apply the attitudes of curiosity and compassion to our relationship interactions.  These two attitudes can transform the way that we think about our partner and our relationship. 

A basic tenet of good communication is to know your audience – in essence, to understand their current status. This means you have to pay attention to context clues in the environment as well as the nonverbal clues the person is sending.  When we apply an attitude of curiosity, we will attend to all of these important pieces of information and will likely avoid many conflicts by doing so. For example:

• You may choose not to ask a very important question of your partner when they are distracted or frustrated by the noise created by the kids running around. 
• You may choose not to discuss a home improvement project just as the big game starts. 
• When a person comes home from a long day at work or a difficult commute in rush hour traffic, perhaps they might need a moment to “switch gears” before launching into home issues.

Being willing to attend to these states, being curious about your partner’s status, can prevent many conflicts.

Another time to be curious is when someone responds in a way that is either out of character or “over the top” for the situation. Often, we take those reactions very personally.  Perhaps we can tell that they are “in a mood,” but feel like it is unfair that we have to take the brunt of the reactions.  Certainly, it is unfair when emotional energy is “taken out on” us by someone we care about.  However, if we can apply the attitude of curiosity to these moments we will be much less likely to take those outbursts personally and become defensive. 

Our defensiveness escalates the negative cycle.  Yes, they “started” it, and we may feel justified, but if we do escalate, then our overall goal of changing the interaction pattern cannot happen.  If we want to change that pattern in the moment, we need to be curious about their reaction and not take it personally.  Easier said than done, yes.  This will take some effort on our part and some internal preparation, but really is doable. The attitude change on our part will allow for a compassionate response from us toward the other person and whatever might really be behind the uncharacteristic or exaggerated response.   

So, what do you do the next time your partner flies off the handle for some insignificant reason? Get curious about what it is that might really be behind the reaction. Then, have the compassion that a person who is really struggling deserves from us. 

-Tiffany Guthrie, LPC